One of the biggest problems about recovery is the inconsistency of it.
Some days, you are a superhero. You eat all of your meals, and still find beauty in the fullness of your stomach. However, the not-so-wonderful days are the deterrent. You wake up, and cannot find a thing appealing about yourself. When beauty is no longer the goal—you just want to not hate yourself.
Then, you find yourself wishing you knew you were skinny when you were skinny. You hate that wish. It is the creepy uncle that no one likes who sits in the corner and stares at everyone at Thanksgiving. But you cannot help but think it.
You were not skinny, you were dying. You were trying to be invisible; you were trying to shrink away from life. It got so severe that you just stopped functioning, didn’t you?
You may not have known you were skinny,
but you knew you were dying.
No one on Earth can save you. You have to do all the work in your recovery. There is not a cute boy or girl out there to fix all your problems. There are friends who can support you, therapists you can open up to, meds to help with symptoms, and family members to lean on, but in the end, you save yourself.
And when you do save yourself, that is something to be proud of. You are fighting hard. You fought hard. You can do it, because recovery is possible.
And I’m sure that being thin tasted good at the time
And that you believed the prominent hipbones were worth it
And it would only be one more pound.
Its been 5 years, and i’m sure you know right now your eating disorder lied to you
That you truly believe there is no hope.
The world sucks, and your eating disorder was a brilliant escape route, but personally, i’d rather be in this world, aware of its faults, then up in the stars, gazing at its beauty.
Recovery is the hardest thing you will ever do; but you will do it.